I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize