I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
