I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
