If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
