I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
