Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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