NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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