I have demons in me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
