i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
we should paint friendship bongs
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