bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
