I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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