Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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