I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
