all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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