she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
