I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
