I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
