Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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