They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
