you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize