Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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