I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
