Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
