Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize