You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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