apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
