Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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