Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
