I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize