he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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