Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
