yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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