the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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