NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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