I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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