Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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