my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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