I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I am one with the molecules
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
