There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
