know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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