I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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