It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
