her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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