I CAN MOONWALK!
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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