My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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