I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
