i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
