so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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