i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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