the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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