I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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