Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
