woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
