You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
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