My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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