I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
